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Superyear

Editor’s note: We transcribed the following passage from a photographs taken of one of the cardboard boxes taken as evidence from the United Crushing incident. We have transcribed as carefully as possible. If there was a portion of any photo that was impossible to transcribe, we inserted an ellipse with periods, so that each period is equivalent to a single word, each dash equivalent to a single line and each star equivalent to a single paragraph. For example, [ . . – – – * – . . . ] signified an illegible portion approximately two words, three lines and one paragraph, one line, three words long, in that order. We hope that by including a somewhat precise account of the illegible portions, that these may be able to be filled-in, if another transcription is found, or if one of the original boxes or is found in storage. This work includes some timely comments on the experiences we now have with social justice protests.

In another month or two, some future occupant of this room, a fellow prisoner, may come across these writings and take some solace, or perhaps some anger, or perhaps any emotion other than boredom. It seems any professional artist or communicator is satisfied with any emotional interpretation other the boredom. And that occupant will say to himself (I am still of sufficient faith in our future that a woman will never be imprisoned in this particular cabin) will say to himself, “hmm, it seems the world has not changed much since those times, months ago, when corporations imprisoned their own, for crimes against profitability.” I have neither hope nor distress that the future will not be so very much different from today, but just expectation.

We fight against our histories in an effort to control our futures. It works, to degrees, there are some “good” people who help to move humanity in a forward direction, but it seems that their efforts tend to be cancelled out not by “bad” people, but by oblivious people.

Life is saturated in the fantasy that reality is a struggle of good against evil. It’s what builds religions, religious texts and fills the eyes of the projectionist in the movie theater. Unlike the patrons, this poor fellow sees the same scraps of film and hears the same narrative hour after hour, up from the perch of the projectionist booth. The projectionist is the very last link in the chain of this beautiful machine that helps people to forget their lives and feel happy on a rainy Sunday afternoon. All the directors, key grips, beautiful actresses who were plucked from a lunch counter, and the makeup artist uses her facial canvas to fill us with the wonder of symmetries and exceptional features of her form. All these people do all their work, and then hand the finished film to the projectionist who then does what a projectionist tends to do. And then after the film is sufficiently stabilized in its transport through the flickering gates, the projectionist picks up the newspaper, catches up with the Orioles, the Spurs, the Totems and the Buckaroos. Perhaps he tries to apply some differential calculus to avoid the renormalization, in a misguided attempt to satisfy Professor Schwinger. But ultimately, his eyes move upward to the projection porthole, and he watches bits and fragments of whatever flavor of the day had been flown in from Hollywood.

This poor devil, his sight on the prize of doing something useful with his life, economic realities instead force him into that projectionist booth, where he absorbs the story, the epic struggle, the good fight, the meaning of life itself. He is only in the projectionist booth because he was a harder sell than the rest of the patrons, he needed extra programming, he was perhaps a more complicated collection of relays and switches than the average human, and his programming would only take root with 240 more viewings than the average movie enthusiast. He then moves into his place in the world to do what he has been sufficiently programmed. At some point in the distant future, perhaps the projectionist will be replaced by a machine that loads the film automatically, dispenses with mechanical problems with split-second efficiency. Or perhaps movies will someday be projected from a machine in space onto a window in our home where we can watch the movie without leaving our home. And this advancement will undoubtedly be sold under the guise of convenience to the viewer, rather than convenience to the architect of the societal agenda, who simply would rather program society with greater ease than packing influence and effluence into the movie theater.

I suspect that the future occupant of this room will have been pulled from a place similar to mine, where dreams come true, where the story ends happily, where good struggles to overcome evil with epic tales. The machines change, they become better representations of our human desires, it seems that we have done this for a long time as well, long before this cabin was ever built into this ship. My ancestors undoubtedly filled their days in pursuit of a better bred hunting dog, better oxen to pull their plow, better irrigation channels. When the era of mechanization and computerization arrived, I was simply inserted into the process for the same necessary sack of abilities. We gotta do, what we gotta do, so we might as well do it. My own progeny will likely do much the same kind of work that I do, though altered to the mechanisms of the days.

But aware versus unaware. Woken versus slumber. Knowledge versus ignorance. Where are those epic tales of fairy tale triumph? As George Orwell once wrote about the barrel chested British men of his memories, “buried, I suppose, in the Flanders mud.” War does that. It reduces a nation of men fit to move mountains into a nation of men fit to push paper. War tends to bury the biggest and strongest because the biggest and strongest no longer win wars. Wars seem to be now waged with an odd form of intelligence, of asymmetry and symmetry. In the future it seems that wars will be a kind of play acting, between those with nuclear capacities and those without, something like the windmilled-arm twerp in the boxing ring held at arm’s length by a professional. And eventually, we will see an era of this twerp who manages to outsmart the professional, but these things tend to be short-lived in the era of nuclear weapons. War will need to transition to a type of new war, where the toll of the war is measured not with funerals, but with digits in the accountant’s records. Good versus evil worked for so very long because the results of loss were truly evil, they were children without mothers, parents without children and people without hope.

But as we move into a slightly more humane future, how can we possibly create new fairy tales out of hope versus oblivion? We’ll need these tools to solve problems that good and evil never could touch.

When Benjamin Brown was shot and killed by police for the crime of transporting a sandwich to his wife, while watching his brothers and sisters demonstrate for social justice, how can good and evil handle such an event? The police officer (or officers if we are to believe the more recent grand jury report) could not have claimed ignorance that pulling a trigger puts human lives at risk. And yet, we try to apply the concepts of good and evil to these disasters, with limited results. Inevitably, the police officers, the troopers and deputies merely work as an extension of us. Their hatreds are our hatreds, but amplified with the muzzle of the gun. We’ll scapegoat early and often because it’s human nature to do so … as any child who has accidentally chomped down on their own tongue can attest, it simply feels better to blame whomever is in the room for their careless ( . . – – . . . . )

This seems to be a problem which will see no immediate solution, since it isn’t good versus evil, but rather hope versus oblivion. We hire these peace officers to protect our lives, our families and our property, and we do so within the nonsensical framework of good versus evil. We have no choice but to employ them under these conditions, because the good versus evil story has been injected into our minds since before motion pictures have found the most precise and scientifically-tested method of doing so. I can only imagine that future people who will be able to simply raise a window shade to watch any movie of their choice beamed directly into their home from an Earth orbit of some kind, will inevitably be programmed with even greater efficiency than the projectionist who always seems to pick up his head to look at the screen when Charlton Heston tells his ape captors to remove their paws. And with similar programming, these enforcers have to find the evil counterpart of the good. Sometimes that’s a Black man with a sandwich. And sometimes we are actually able to lay hands on the police officer who does the job we tell him to do. We will tend to release these enforcers as innocent, because we know on some level that they’ve simply done the job we’ve tasked them to do. Our own oblivion won’t let us acknowledge the reality that We people who pay our taxes to employ these enforcers simply feed them with our own racism and our own weak desire to kill a man for carrying a sandwich. Enough of these weak desires funnel into a relatively small number of enforcers and the result is caskets and then more protests.

The caricatures of closed-minded evil are increasingly becoming the domain of fiction. Racism and intolerance of the future is less the product of evil than oblivion. So using the tool of “good” to fight oblivion is as dysfunction of using the tool of “hope” to fight evil. Oblivion needs to be deconstructed with some measure of knowledge. It needs some level of scientific analysis of the results of our oblivion. We can measure these things in a scientific way and then extract the causes, then derive solutions. But do we have the stomach for such a process? Are we really ready to find that we have in fact bit down on our own tongue and this is nobody’s fault but our own? There is no other choice but to do this, but like the young girl with a splinter in her finger, she will go through a whole day with the dull ache to avoid her mother using a sewing needle to extract. Fixing problems requires some measure of temporary pain. In this case, if we hope to avoid another hundred years of Benjamin Browns we will need to accept our own oblivion and deconstruct. As long as We the people both hire enforcers to protect our lives and property, while simultaneously expecting them to live out our programmed fantasies of good versus evil, we will never allow a deconstruction of our oblivion. We’ll continue to blame the enforcers rather than our own poor chewing skills. And midway through this whole mess somewhere, as these things tend to happen, the positions of power will switch, as they tend to switch. Rather than the minority of hopeful society pushing for change to keep men like Benjamin Brown from being shot, it will be the majority of society who pushes for this change. And given the efficiency of the good versus evil machinery, these people will be as mired in their oblivion as we are today. Eventually, a sufficient scientific effort will deconstruction this particular problem, and likely We the people will disconnect our enforcers from the fairy tales, we will disconnect ourselves from the fairy tales, accept our enormous contribution to this ghastly mess of our own making.

But wouldn’t it be wonderful if that could happen sooner, rather than later? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if that could happen in fifty years rather than a hundred? And what of the [ . . . . – – * – . . . . * . . ]

So I sit cross-legged on the floor of this frigate, imprisoned for crimes against profitability, moving my words from some notes that I took years ago, to the sides of cardboard boxes. I do so with a vague hope that my meager and sleep-inducing words will somehow combat the future of movies beamed from space, with robots scurrying through corridors of films, loading up each one individually with a single phone call, projected to the surface. How can inexpertly-written words on scrap of cardboard compete with such technological might? I’ve little confidence that it can, but I have hope that it will. And with my hope, I’ve at least chosen the correct enemy of oblivion. So if my words will have any advantage over those movies, it will be that they are fighting the nonexistent battle of good versus evil, while Rick Yukon fights the battle of hope versus oblivion.

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The teeny-tiny fascist.

Editor’s note, this interview was included with the Rick Yukon tapes in the same box, recently recovered from the United Crushing files. It seems that Rick had interviewed Don Limpio aboard the frigate, while under house arrest. Limpio had made a shore visit from an undisclosed location in the South Atlantic. The microphone was not able to pick up any of the Rick Yukon comments other than a few scattered words, which we have included in these brackets: [ ]. This interview was recorded on Minicassettes, and some of the portions of this interview were not completely clear. We transcribed the best we could, however if we could not even guess at the content, we omitted that portion with a series of dots between brackets, such that each dot accounts for approximately 5 seconds, thus an unintelligible span of 15 seconds would be shown like this; [ . . . ]

Obviously, I didn’t see myself as a fascist, I saw myself as a successful businessperson. [ ] Yeah, okay, I saw myself as the single most successful businessperson that three major global industries had ever seen. I had reached a level of financial success that no other human had ever reached, and I had no problem in breaking the mythical billion-barrier. Now of course, it’s common, but back then it took a real effort to come even close to that barrier. There is already talk that we will see someone breach the trillion-barrier in our lifetime. But back then, it was a big deal. Industry had not concentrated to the level it is now, and I had to repel heaven and earth and own three major global industries to even touch a billion. [ . . . . . ]

In retrospect I was a fascist not because of what was in my head but because of what was in my actions. I moved my company in a direction that as history now shows, was a significant emboldening of fascism. But by the time the results of my action became apparent there was very little I could do to reverse that course. The Postal Service was all but ours, even if I wanted to reverse that course, there was no capacitance in the municipal bond market to save eighty-six percent of those local, small town post offices. [ ] But we were under compliance regulations that restricted our purchase of each post office. Each city, from the a major metropolitan area down to a city with literally nothing in it other than the post office itself, had to be presented with the market purchase price for that post office. When we did the initial projections, we knew about this restriction, so we predicted a top ownership of seventy-two percent of all the post offices in the country. It didn’t turn out like that of course, we hit ninety-two percent on the ninety-day deadline, and we were up to a bit over ninety-six percent in the next few months as most of the weaker purchase deals couldn’t pass government muster. And then within two years, an additional one point five percent become insolvent, which we purchased at market rate, and we finished the three-year acquisition at ninety-eight percent total ownership. [ ]

That’s what I told myself at the time too! [ ] I grew up with [ . . ] Excuse me, I grew up with that love, no question. I collected stamps, I just loved the Post Office, it was the one place where I could go with my dad that I knew we would have to wait on line for a while, and he would joke around with me while all the other human robots were programming themselves with their cell phones. And then we would always have a little running race down the hallway and to his old farm truck. [ ] It was an old farm truck, lots of dents, lots of rust, the cab was encased in a layer of dog hair. I hated it at the time, but I would love to take just one more ride in it now. We would drink cans of Mountain Dew and then toss the cans in the back of the cab. But yeah, I loved the Post Office. And I was maybe fourteen or so when I learned that it belonged to all of us. All I wanted at that point was get the whole thing for myself. [ Kafka, united crushing ]

Yes! Exactly like that! I wanted the universe of dogs to help me reach the richest marrow, and then I wanted it all for myself! I wanted all the dogs to disperse, it was Kafka, no doubt. [ ] But these are the results of our decision, are they not? It wasn’t until I was an old man that I found that we had committed a crime against our country by converting a treasured public resource into a product owned by our company. [ ] I never once thought about it. Not once. My thoughts at the time were how we could make it happen. If you would have asked me then if it was moral or nor moral, I would have answered in a breath that of course it was moral. How could it not be moral if I had spent my life on it? How could it not be moral if so many other dogs had helped me crush the hardest bones, with the richest marrow? [ Philip Wylie ]

You have that book here? i thought they had you under house arrest, where did you get it? [ pocket ] Do you remember that bit toward the beginning, with the Seven League Boots? [ twenty ]

If you can find the page, I’ll read it into the microphone of your recorder, give them a good show, huh? [ ] In the middle here? Okay …

This is Don Limpio, reading from Chapter One of Philip Wylie’s book Generation of Vipers … Our boots are not merely Seven League, they stride the globe. Our eyes see through light years, our ears hear voices from every city on the planet, our biceps tear down cliffs. In every material sense, we have reached the end of legends, the finale of the fairy tale. All of the physical imagining of Man when he was limited to the power of his own body, has been realized. But not any good whatevr has come of it. Only the greatest evil that man has yet endured.

Fuck man, put that slack in your pipe and smoke it, huh? I had never read the book, I remember at the time I was reading The Pursuit of Loneliness by Philip Slater, and it all seemed to make sufficient sense to me. Then you and I were in Vegas, you brought me up to your suite, you somehow had a zoo wrangler there with a tiger cub, I couldn’t have weighed any more than a bowling ball, that little thing. I had gone for a smoke on the balcony, I came back into the suite, all those degenerates, and you were over near the Jacuzzi with that tiger cub, it was sleeping in your arms. [ beneer ] It was on the coffee table with your keys and your wallet. [ bent ear ] I didn’t take it, I had flipped it open and read a few pages, and then I read that, and I knew it was the truth that Slater was trying to chase in his politics. [ bend deer ] Oh! Sorry, I thought you meant something else. Yeah, I probably should have seen that a functional fascist back then too. But who in the world can see themselves as they are unless they are making highly moral choices? [ ] In retrospect, of course not, they were the most immoral choices I could have made. My developing in that one decade brought on the privatization of the post office, of the police and of food and drug. [ Eddie ] Of course, he thought I was a god child. I would walk in an ask for a billion dollar development budget, he wrote the check, he didn’t even ask me for a prospectus. [ ] Yeah, he probably would have asked for one if I asked for five billion, but a billion, he just wrote the fucking check. How could I possibly have had any kind of rational view of myself with that kind of shit? For all intents and purposes, I was like Eddie. I was supposedly a lot wealthier than him, but I knew that was bullshit. Someone doesn’t write you a check for a billion unless they have a hundred more of those billions in the bank, right? But it was a different time back then, guys like Eddie had to hide his family’s money, so he just divvied it up between a couple of thousand trusts, a half billion there, a quarter billion there, you can hide a lot of wealth that way. [ ]

Eddie? I think he was as neutral on the whole thing as a person could be. He knew it was a mistake for me to take over the post office and food and drug. [ ] Because he told me that. He said “Don, you’re making a mistake.” But he never said that about the police. He loved that one. He clapped me on the back for that one, he said quote, good job on the police. [ ]

I’m not sure I really can talk about that. How long can you keep these tapes hidden? [ ] Fine, I’ll be dead by then anyway, but I need at least six on top of that and you got a deal. [ ] We did it through the police unions. [ ] No, the actual union. It was easy. We just took advantage of the condition. At the time, everyone hated the police union. The police hated their own union, the departments hated the union, the social justice protestors blamed that whole mess on the unions, the taxpayers blamed the mess mostly on the unions. Disbanding the unions was easy, we just pulled a patco on them nationally. All police unions decertified. They had no real ability to stop us, AFL-CIO couldn’t organize fast enough to stop us and I’m not sure they wanted to stop us anyway. Jonders hated the police union as much as anyone else. [ ] No, it was just an executive order, it was easy. The actual cops, troopers and deputies didn’t really like it, but they didn’t have the capacity to fight it either. I wrote the executive order, and the way it was delivered maybe varied in six or seven words, if that. We kept it simple. The more legal definitions you put in there the more holes you open for it. We issued the order in maybe two paragraphs, and it was in court within a week. That didn’t take a lot of effort to fight, and the union was decertified. Simple. [ ] Sure, but they couldn’t stop the privatization at that point. We got push back from less than five-percent of the municipal departments in the country. A bunch of sheriff’s departments and a few of the trooper departments couldn’t be privatized, we just left them alone. [ ] None. [ ] Right, none. How would you feel as a property owner if your taxes went from five thousand per year down to three thousand per year? None. Yeah, there may have been a few angry letters, but I never read any of that. As far as organized attempts to block it, at least once to we offered the tax rebate, none. [ ] Because we had the pockets. I told you before that Eddy would write a billion dollar check? He gave closer to ten billion to cover the first year’s operating expenses for the private police rebate. [ ] It’s just that, don’t make it complicated. [ ] That’s even more complicated that what we did. I had the ten billion for the first year, I knew we wanted to privatize something like two hundred and fifty municipal police departments, so I just divided the ten billion by two hundred fifty. So that’s some fifty million or so per city, right? Average. I pulled the police and deputy components, and we came up with say ten thousand property owners per acquisition, so we covered the fifty million divided by ten thousand and we do the five thousand incentive rebate. It wasn’t rocket science, we just bribed the property owners for the first year and then reduced the bribe by fifty percent each year for the next five years. [ ]

Eddie thought it was worth it. I’m sure it was worth it to him, he clapped me on the back. [ denargo ] I guess, just useful idiots. [ ] sure, because then he had every major police and sheriff department in the country on his payroll, or course he’s going to clap me on the back. For the first time, these officers had to to essentially do what Eddie told them to do without needing to waste any time in worrying about what ten thousand some property owners in the district told them to do. Their efficiency went through the roof. That’s where we made the real money. Their budgets were locked in because nobody defunds the police. So suddenly we move efficiency up fifty some percent, we’re pulling some billion or so per year in per department. That was easy money. [ ungale gear ]

Because I was a fascist. But I didn’t think of myself as a fascist, I thought of myself as the savior of humanity. I knew something about history, I eventually used to joke with Mackenzie, I would ask her “am I a fascist”? She said “You’re my fascist. You’re my teeny, tiny fascist.” And then she hugged me. I’m not sure she actually knew that by then I was falsifying arrest records as a cost of doing business. [ ] Well, you know, I would tell one of the chefs what to cook, and they made the dish. But yeah, that’s the way we did it. We weren’t going to risk all that work with someone presenting any kind of bona fide journalistic threat. So we arrested them on pretty boring charges. We would get them on DUIs and then lose them to suicide, we would get them on tax evasion and lose them to suicide, if they were higher profile we would get them on DUI and then give them a one-way ticket to Sydney, sometimes to Rio. Whatever it took. It it was cheaper to kill them, we killed them. If the computer found that it was even a hundred less expensive relocate them and save the execution for later, we did that. I didn’t take any joy in it, but I was a kind of an emperor. [ Macker ]

No, no knowledge. And if she did have knowledge of any of this I would tell you she didn’t. And if she organized two or three arrests on her own, I would tell you she didn’t. I don’t have anything more to say on this, it’s not a particularly pleasant subject. What else do you got?

Okay, I understand. [ ] yeah, I get that you have the need [ . . . . .] and it’s going to be the kind of thing that I’m going to have trouble recalling because it’s the kind of thing that keeps a man from sleeping at night. Okay, so yes, it always starts with the lie, the false accusation. You know that first lie will usually set off the chain of events the way you need. And then rest, I could wash my hands of it. I’m not going to tell you that I didn’t recommend a few summary executions, because I did. But by the time it gets to that level it’s dehumanized. Enough people process both the arrest and the summary execution at that point that I no longer saw these men as people. [ ] Maybe three? Four? It wasn’t more than five, I remember joking with Mack that I could count the number of female dissidents on one hand. [ ] Because they could be redirected more easily than the men. You put an orphaned six month old into the arms of the most militant feminist on the planet, and she’s compliant within six hours. That was SOP on the females. The only reason we had those three or four is probably because they went psycho when the saw the baby and we couldn’t put it into her hands. In retrospect they probably knew we were going to use the threat of infanticide against her, so they staged it, but a woman bouncing off the walls of her office isn’t going to be anything that an agent is going to be prepared to handle. [ ]

I told you, it was next to your keys and your wallet. You had one of those four by seven wallets, the synthetic sheet wallets. The book was there, I put it back, the one that was on the table was the one that you brought up to your room. [ ] I don’t blame your paranoia, that was something I would have done back then. But you need to remember, back then I was pretty broke. The council paid me some not too bad money to keep an eye on your and write those reviews, so I did it. [ ] It was in the Spheric office, the old one in Thomas Hunter Hall. [ ] Just weed, maybe Pete had some rum, not important. But I told you the deal up in the loft, you were fine with it. You didn’t have anything to hide back then, so you didn’t care. [ ] Oh, if you did that to me? In the heat of the worst days, or just an average day? { ] Okay, average day, I would have had you killed. Worst days, I would have had your family killed while you were forced to watch. [ ] Sure, but I wasn’t a human then, I was programmed by Eddie and the others, he had his whole Pendulum Dynamo model to social stability running, we thought we were building a thousand year corporation. It made sense to us at least, and we knew at that point that we could ontrol the flow of technological development, because at any give time, at least fifty one percent of the computing cycles of all government ran through our servers. We figured that we found the hole that all the others missed. Before Pendulum Dynamo, if you would have asked me if the Nazis were bad, I would have said yes. But after Pendulum Dynamo, my internal sense of oblivion was so corrupted that if you would have asked me if Nazis were bad, I would have told you something like quote it’s complicated. That’s never a good sign when your corporations can’t discern between Nazis and comptroller statements.

And then I found The Avesta. I was reborn in a sense. [ ] I don’t know. I’ve given most of whatever is left of my money to their charities, but I suspect if they found our the level of my former wickedness, they would no longer accept me. Zorostrians are a highly ethical people. [ ] Right, except me! But the faith touched me in a way that nothing else ever had. I had dreams of fire when I was a boy, they just came to my face in the fire temple. And for the first time in my my life, I was told to be a good human with no expectation of reward. I know that I’m going to burn in whatever hell is when I did, for the things I’ve done, and I don’t go for that Christian nonsense of universal forgiveness. So the Avesta tell me “do good things” and I have no expectation that I’m going to eventually suffer anyway for the mayhem that I’ve caused with my life.

[ ] Ah, but I’m getting a little tired, let’s make that that one the last one? On which one do you want to start? [ ] Okay, it depended on the State. In some states the children were issued a plastic Department of Public Health card, they could use that for school or work. In other states, we would could go with the smallpox mark, it was a little scab that left a scar, usually on the left shoulder or upper arm. When we inherited the program they had already moved to mercury tracers and the shoulder scars were getting harder to find. The original idea of the tracers is that we could test later to find the inoculation, because we could encode some very basic information in the tracer itself. But then public opinion went against the mercury, so that’s when we switched to just the straight vaccination records. They worked well enough for a time. I came into the program right when that was transitioning over to the ultraviolet permanent mark. [ ] Right, the tattoo. [ ] It was just a regular needle at the time of the vaccination. The UV dye had had the spectral response coded into the dipole and quadrupole moments of the ink. The rubber seal on the dispenser was saturated with the nanoparticles, which made the logistics easier to alter the code per population set. So the needle pulled through the cover, gathered some UV tracers, and then they were able to deposit deeper into the skin when the patient received the inoculation. We could reliably fluoresce the tattoos in a couple hundredths of second. [ ] Because it was the time. Black people were no longer willing to accept the discrimination, but skin pigmentation was an easy way for us to arbitrarily designate a non-protected class of people, which is what we usually need when we transition over to fascism. So we just shut down the discrimination programs, we gave them that win, and then we just replaced it all with the vaccination programs. We found that there were always going to be about eighteen percent of the population who was unwilling to take a tattoo. The fundamentalists wouldn’t take it, they called it the mark of the beast, or haram or unkosher, they all had a name for it. So we were able to designate about half that eighteen percent for dislocation. { } Dislocation is just a rejection from the individual client-state. Without the vaccination record they couldn’t get a regular job, they couldn’t send their kids to a regular school, they couldn’t get government services. It was just a bonus that about seventy percent of that population had the look of a racial minority. So we found a legal way to continue the racism programs we already had, we ended up with a scapegoat population of about twenty five million people, which was enough for our purposes, enough to destabilize the other few hundred million. It worked. Actually, I remember getting the check from Eddie on that one too, I think it was a half billion dollars or so, nothing too expensive. But the return on that investments may have beat all the others. We were able to eliminate the old institutional racism and replace it with the popularly supported vaccine racism, it paid at least a twenty to one? Maybe twenty five to one. { ] Yeah! Is it recording still? Fuck yes I’ll do it.

This is Don Limpio, with my rendition of Bottle of Smoke by the Pogues. Twenty fucking five to one, my gambling days are done, I bet on a horse named a bottle of smoke, and my horse won. I don’t remember the rest, I’m sorry, but I need to take a leak, we’ll pick this up later?

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Reusable Sandpaper

Your words are your income? You have to be so careful of that shit. There is nothing wrong with selling your words, I’ve done it from time to time, though most of my income is made by doing things like finding out some really well-meaning tradesman used a 3-inch flange on a 4-inch pipe, and that was what let to first $232,430 worth of damage in the first moment, and then led to one of the more profitable and serendipitous products that a major multinational has ever put into a home store. And it’s a product for which I might someday make enough buy a gumball out of a penny machine. My income is mostly built on having to clean up shit, sometimes figuratively, sometimes I have to clean up actual shit, like when that 3-inch flange forced me to remove the toilet while still full of sewage from half-a-dozen tradesmen who just got back from Firehouse Subs 45 minutes prior to coming face to face with this hellish monstrosity. That’s my income. And sometimes I get paid for a few words. But when people pay you for your words, they become forgettable, or sometimes they become the Mona Lisa, but usually they are forgettable.

So if you’re a writer, you can’t seek to make a living off of it. You need to have a side-job. Because being paid to write words means you have customers. And when you have customers you have to write for them. The only way words mean anything at all is when they are written for an audience of precisely one, the one who pukes them onto the page.

My son gave me “The New Coronavirus”

The rotten little punk, he juked me into showing him my push-up form. He even went so far as to deliberately arch his back so I that could show him the benefit of a straight back in a half-decent push-up. And when you do a half-decent push-up, it feels right, and you might not notice your punk son launching himself onto your perfectly straight back like doing a cannonball into the memory of the pre-COVID neighborhood swimming pool. (Just curious, are those backyard swimming pools hard to find these days, with most of the community pools closed? Speaking of which, I get that we need to close bars, because some lovely modern day Typhoid Mary might get drunk and kiss a hundred dudes. But why do we need to close down swimming pools? They’re these big fucking bowls of water that are calibrated to about 3 parts per million Chlorine in what is essentially an ocean of water, so that no viral, bacterial, or pathogenic load could possibly come close to even shocking the relative pH by more than an iota. And we shut these down? Why? It makes no sense. Here is a community resources that has been proven to save far, far more lives than it consumes, and we shut this down? Did these Covidians actually convince us as a society that we no longer need to pay attention to actual Public Health and Human Safety data? But then some asshole on the internet says roughly the same thing that I just did, and some greasy-chinned jackhole pops up and says “who the fuck do you think you are, I have a grandma that is as risk from dying from the coronavirus, why do you hate humanity?”)

And yeah, I heard something kind of pop somewhere inside my torso. But I’m still have at least a decade or two ahead of me where I can handle this kind of thing. So I get to going through my day, a few hours elapse, and holy shit, who do I see on the cement trail behind my house? “Ryan”, the world champion downhill skateboarder, he’s carving it out with a few turns. (Turns out he was back in Colorado because COVID shut down the world downhill tour that employs him, and he was supposed to be downhilling in The Philippines, but his Gen-Z future was thrown into the shitter by the plague of Boomers..) So, Gen-X guy that I am, I don’t pass up an opportunity to ride with a Gen-Z, especially not a pro. I grab my Dimension AS-1 streetboard, a couple minutes later, I’m bombing the hill with Ryan. He’s apparently happy to be riding with a neighbor, because now he can ride the next street over, with the silky new tarmac, and the not-too-bad hill, but wealthy Millennials tend to intimidate Gen-Z punks, it’s just the nature of the animals.

I’m grinding up that street, brewing my hatred for people who use ski lifts to gain altitude instead of just grinding against gravity, paying the price so that the downhill reward is that much sweeter. I’m grinding up that street against gravity, and “pop” I felt it again. But no paid, I keep riding. Then another Gen-Z rider (though an amateur, not a pro like “Ryan” starts pushing his way up the street, and a bunch of the neighborhood schoolkids are assembling to actually see how a genuine, certified, professional downhiller bombs a hill on a modified nickle board with some remarkably large Kryptonics and the a level of skill only obtainable of most of a young-adult’s lifetime spent playing every college scholarship sport his parents could throw at him, mastering every fucking one of them, and still coming back to his beloved downhill board at the end of the day. He’s that good.

I figure he’s protected by the neighborhood kids now against a possible jealous Boomer glare. So I head home, but then … what the fuck, why do I suddenly feel a dull ache in my side? I ignore it. I get home, crack a Natural Ice. So cold, after riding a Natty Ice is the tendril of faith. I didn’t grow up in a time when a skateboarder could drink a Natty after riding. We drank Moosehead. Moosehead was a somewhat expensive beer that seemed to universally taste like fermented dung to every teenager on the planet. But back then, if we were willing to spring an extra few bucks for the better quality beer, we usually circumvent the liquor store’s alcohol restrictions. IT took us a few years to understand why, all we knew is that if we tried to buy 3.2 at the supermarket, we would be carded. If we tried to buy alcohol at the liquor store we would be carded. If we tried to buy Pabst or any other cheapish 3.2-style beer at the liquor store we would be carded. But when we bought Moosehead, there was a good chance that we wouldn’t be carded. So there was no Natty for us back in the day, we choked down Moosehead, and told ourselves that it must be delicious if we paid so much for it. The after-ride beers were never truly happy, the skunkiness took away some of the pleasure. But now, I can drink a tasty, inexpensive brew and wonder why in the fuck that dull ache is now spreading over my entire torso. Shit, I forgot to check the mail when I was down there, I’ll ride the board down, oh fuck, I better walk down there. Neighbors generally ignoring the social distance, people are happy, children are happy, it’s a good day. Every breath, a jabbing pain. This isn’t from riding, this feels like pneumonia. This feels like … this feels like Coronavirus!

By the time I was back up to the house, each deep breath was agony. If I could keep the pain to a dull ache if I just moved very slowly and kept my breathing as shallow as possible. It got worse. A migraine kicked in, and I’m looking at stars and phonemes, my brain pulsed in my skull, I had to lay down. I remember some time moving past me, I kept shoving tequila down my throat to manage the pain, but the pain kept me sober unfortunately. I gave my kids my goodbyes, all three of them were home. Daddy’s going to die of Coronavirus now, goodbye. I remember moving through another couple of hours, it felt like a fat opera singer had used a shrinking ray to sneak inside of my body and then used her enlarging ray to reobtain her full size inside of me. And this blessed performer was now Screeching some kind of Weasel in some foreign tongue preferred by opera singers. It reminded me of the time I accidentally burned my hand with a quart of boiling water from an electric kettle in a boarding house in Glasgow. Only this time the alternation between dull ache and sharp agony wasn’t restricted to the back of my hand, but rather it filled me up. Back in Glasgow, I figured that if I drank enough, I would eventually pass out and wake up to a better world, one where my hand no longer attacked me with such pleasure. But this time, I figured that if I drank enough, I would eventually pass out and wake up to a better world where Mother Nature herself had dispatched me to a merciful heaven with the only reward being that there is no Coronavirus to force a gentleman to drink himself to a Coronavirus-free heaven. (The rest of the heaven would be nothing more than an empty office building, on an empty street, or essentially exactly like Hell, except that in Hell a gentleman is forced to drink himself to a Coranavirus-free heaven.)

The alcohol wasn’t working, the infection had obviously altered my molecular make-up to the point that it was able to neutralize the effects of Mexican Silver Tequila. Either that, or I kept passing out, and I didn’t realize that hours had passed in this oblivion.

I called my sister. She’s a doctor, the kind with actual training, not the kind like me that for some reason receives his designation through knowing how to compute the necessary time between energy transfer in a field of below-ground state transitions. I give her my goodbyes from this world, I hint that it’s all her fault, because that’s what little brothers do. She looks for ways to cure my Coronavirus over the phone. And then she waits for me to calm the fuck down, and she asks me, “have you done anything today with any kind of twisting motion?” Uh … I grinded up a hill with a world-champion downhiller.

“Do you have a heating pad there, it sounds like you might have pulled something.”

I’ve been riding my whole life, far harder, far higher, far faster than today. It feels like Coronavirus. But I find a heating pad, set it on high, lay on top. Heating pad then did for me what no relationship had ever down for me. She brought me peace, relief, love, delivered me from that agony. Suddenly I felt well enough that I could drag myself to the WC and piss out an ocean of tequila and half a can of Natty Ice. I painfully pulled my way back into the bed, on top of The Most Blessed and Sacred Heating Pad. She had a timer, and she would automatically shut off after 90 minutes. I would would be jolted out of my sleep about four minutes after that with my body suddenly reobtaining the memory of a pain like no other. Then I hit the blessed nuclear switch, the one that re-powered the heating pad, put her on high, drift off to another 94 minutes of respite.

This continued for about 20 hours.Or maybe 44 hours, I’m not sure which. There was definitely another piss trip to the WC in there. And then I was healed. It still hurt, but I could move through life. It was apparently some bizarre muscular spasm that coincidentally occurred in the heart of my downtown nervous system central,.

I walk into my son’s room. He’s playing Fortnite. “Daddy’s still alive.” He turns to look at me, this little fellow for whom I’ve structured a third of my life, and suddenly that face of a tiny football player looks at me, I get an instant flashback of what it must have looked like to see him land on my back while doing that pushup. Cannonball + Riding like I’m a Z instead of an X = whatever the hell that was.

I explained the whole thing to him. “You got the new Coronavirus, dad.” Yeah, and that little punk gave it to me.

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6/3/2020

“I had a dream that I dug through my backpack to find a cigarette, and then I put it behind my ear for later. When I woke up, I really could have gone for a for a smoke, and there was a cigarette behind my ear. If that doesn’t prove the existence of extra-terrestrials, then nothing will.” – Rick Yukon, as spoken to the towel-attendant of the Quick-Happy Gym & Video Arcade, after being released from interrogation for the United Crushing superglue incident.